As a woman I LOVE being approached by a good looking man, ooh it’s just the best compliment and it makes my day. But I also have no problem walking up to a good looking man and saying “Hello I’m Chloé, let’s meet!” I like seeing women make the first move, walking up to a man and starting the conversation is attractive and that confidence is so sexy. In fact, I actually hear from a lot of my male clients that they would prefer to meet someone in real life and would enjoy being approached by an attractive woman who thinks he’s the most good looking man that she’s seen and she wants to make him hers.
Who makes the first move on a dating app and in real life?
Guys- here’s a secret EVERYONE – male or female – EVERYONE wants to be desired and to feel chosen. Remember that, it’s a powerful tool. But when we’re talking about dating profiles matching and who makes the first move online – it should be the man.
I know people will disagree with that statement with a simple 1-word response – BUMBLE. And to those people, I argue back that Bumble is a dating app that is good in theory but the execution of the woman initiating the conversation online is terrible. And actually, it’s the anthesis of a high-value woman.
Dating is a cat-mouse game always revolving around the chase. Dating gender norms are the rules that we play by and these rules are based upon human nature. When these rules are changed, how do you sustain the chase?
When women make the first move online it’s 10x harder to regain your power in the relationship dynamic. From the beginning of this relationship, the dating norms are already out of place – and the early relationship days are when relationship precedents are set. A crucial time to show up the right way.
In traditional real-life dating – men make the first move and that’s for a reason. You’ve caught his attention, he’s interested, and then the chase starts. The chase is a game of chess moves and each time a person moves the power shifts between the couple – who takes the upper hand. Online it should be the same way – he likes your dating profile so he should have something to stay to start the conversation.
However, when the opposite happens, and a woman initiates the conversation online it flips the cat-mouse dynamic as the woman is now chasing the man. And the second a man feels like she’s more interested in him than he is, he will move on to a different challenge – aka a new woman. (Ladies – this is how we get hung up on guys who leave us on read…we got over our ski tips in our relationship investment and we started chasing him.)
A high-value woman never chases, she attracts.
How does she do this? By staying in her feminine lane and allowing him to court her. When a woman starts the conversation online, she’s flipping the roles and courting him. Relationships that start off this way can be tricky to balance out later. The key here to recognize that online a woman starting a conversation on a dating app is taking the relationship planning responsibilities which for the first date, is traditionally a masculine role.
If you are a high-value woman who can take on the masculine role – more power to you girlfriend but be careful. When a woman starts dabbling in masculine roles and taking on masculine responsibilities, you start to shrink the available space you have for a man in your life. If you do all the things that he would do, what role is there left for him in your life? I know you can carry your own suitcase, but let him. If he offers you his coat because he thinks you might be cold – TAKE IT, let him open the door for you, let him be a gentleman because that gives him purpose in the relationship and a high-value man knows that’s how a high-value woman is treated.
An inside tip – a high-value woman would never start the conversation online. She will wait to be courted and that’s his opportunity to impress her but don’t worry she won’t miss her opportunity to shoot her shot.
Wait so you’re telling me it’s ok for men and women to make the first move in real life but only ok for men to make the first move online? Why’s that? Because of chemistry. When you meet in person there are so many more factors happening in that moment allowing you to register so much more about this person than you get with a dating profile. When you show up in person there’s chemistry or there’s not. Going back to my example earlier – If there’s chemistry with the man the high-value woman approaches, he will recognize that she’s high value and he’ll be inclined to step up into the challenge of seeing her again. Thus by default, taking on traditional dating gender norms – and the chase has begun. The confidence of approaching someone in person is so powerful.
But when you’re online the only way to create the chase is through text – and we all know how many different ways there are to interpret the same sentence. Without the assistance of the IRL factors supporting the YAY/NAY vote in your head, your interest in this person comes down to what they say. It’s a much smaller framework to build desire and it’s best to stick to traditional norms and letting men taking charge to plan the first date. This sets you up for the best chances of building chemistry.
Plus, this helps to eliminate wasted time on unrequited love – some people out there have no problem letting you love them more than they love you. Don’t fall victim to their traps.
Ok, so what’s the takeaway, who makes the first move on a dating app and in real life?:
In Real Life: Men & Women can both make the first move, and Online: MEN should make the first move. Why? Because high-value men chase high-value women, not the other way around. We want to keep the chase alive AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.
AND, SWIPE RIGHT’s High-Value POWER MOVE tip–
Guys, check out our 10 Dating App Conversation Starters for Him so that you keep the momentum building as you start to talk to your match. Matching with her profile is just the beginning – start the conversation with a strong clever / witty / good opener.
There you go, don’t forget to leave a comment below. We love hearing from you.
– the AND, SWIPE RIGHT team